Warning: This post contains spoilers about Sharknado. Don’t read this if that matters to you.
So yeah, I taped Sharknado last Friday (it aired a day later in Canada) and watched it with my husband over the weekend. I’d briefly considered live blogging it, but the WTFery was too much for even me to keep a live comment stream.
If I had, my post would’ve been a series of “WTF?” or “what the bloody hell was THAT?” or “OMG SERIOUSLY?!”
It wouldn’t have been very informative, that’s for sure.
If I were to take it as a cheesy, over the top movie about a SHARK TORNADO (seriously, you can’t take anything in this movie seriously because it’s about a shark tornado), it’s so terribly awful it’s a little bit good (terrible acting and all). But there were scenes where the actors actually tried to emote, and those scenes were more hilariously funny and over the top than the scene where Ian Ziering is meeting a flying shark with a working chainsaw.
A CHAINSAW, you guys.
So the premise of this movie is that a hurricane makes landfall on the coast of California. Which is…I don’t even know. As far as I know, hurricanes don’t happen on the West Coast — the in-movie explanation was that global warming had shifted weather patterns enough for a hurricane to move up Mexico’s west coast and make landfall at L.A. Which is, I suppose, possible, all things considered. (I suppose a movie about a shark earthquake would’ve been less awesome. Maybe.)
But a hurricane isn’t a tornado. And the movie advertised a tornado with sharks in it, not a hurricane with sharks in it. So there has to be a tornado somewhere.
Patience, grasshopper. The tornado is coming.
(Aside: the overabundance of sharks was already set long before the hurricane came. I don’t even know where all those sharks came from and why they came ALL AT ONCE, but okay.)
After the hurricane hit and wreaked havoc on Beverly Hills et. al. (seemingly using stock footage of previous actual hurricanes, like Hurricane Katrina), the streets are flooded. With ocean water. And sharks. Big sharks. Not the dinky little sharks that can’t eat you. Oh no, they feature the giant, top of the food chain sharks like the Great White and the Hammerhead.
Because when the sharks make landfall, only the big guys are heavy enough to want to swim through sewers and streets. Or something.
Anyway. At some point, we see the formation of not one, but THREE waterspouts. (A waterspout is a tornado over water.)
See? TORNADOES. And of course, each of these waterspouts has sucked up sharks from the ocean (even though waterspouts don’t actually suck up water, apparently). There you have it — the shark tornado.
Anyway, blah blah, people get eaten alive by sharks simply by standing in the middle of the street. Helicopters and planes don’t get damaged by the hurricane-force winds or the tornado AT ALL. People get impaled by the Hummer with giant spikes coming out of its front bumper (yeah, I don’t even know). Someone gets swallowed ALIVE by a shark while SHE’S FALLING OUT OF A HELICOPTER, and someone else gets swallowed by the same shark while CARRYING A CHAINSAW.
OMG you guys, I don’t even.
Oh, and, to destroy a tornado all you have to do is throw a bomb into it. So we have our motley crew of Ditzy Blonde; her Surfer Dude (and bar owner) ex-husband; their two nearly-adult kids (which is surprising considering Mom and Dad don’t look that old), one of whom is conveniently taking flying lessons and can fly a helicopter; a random Tasmanian Dude (or so he said); and a Lonely Waitress at Surfer Dude’s bar who looks like she’s about the same age as Surfer Dude’s son but of course has the hots for Surfer Dude (because of course she does). We also had Old Drunk Horny Guy, who got eaten by a shark while standing on the freeway on-ramp after getting a dog out of a car. (I…I don’t even know.)
Anyway. Our crew of assorted misfits suddenly all know how to make bombs to destroy our tornadoes (without consulting The Google even once), and Tasmanian Dude has a backup plan — put propane and a bunch of bombs in Spiky Hummer and drive it into a tornado and turn himself into a martyr. (This doesn’t work as planned, since he gets eaten by a shark that jumped out of the street ocean and onto the back of the Hummer. Which…I…have no words.)
Surfer Dude and Ditzy Blonde’s son take Lonely Waitress in the helicopter to
blow up destroy the tornadoes. All goes well until the last tornado, when the sharks learn how to either leap into the sky high enough to hit a helicopter or aim themselves while flailing around the INSIDE OF A TORNADO to hit a helicopter.
I can’t even explain this sudden evolutionary change in sharks. Some biologist somewhere will have a field day. FLYING SHARKS, you guys.
Lonely Waitress gets swallowed — but not chewed, which will be important later — by a shark flying through the air (for serious) and she’s assumed dead and turned into chum (see what I did there?). Surfer Dude drives the Spiky Hummer into the third tornado and jumps out of it at just the right second and lives, but then notices a Flying Shark(TM) coming at his family. So he picks up his trusty chainsaw and takes a flying leap INTO THE SHARK, where he is swallowed. But not chewed. (Pay attention to this, kids.)
Yeah, you can see where this is going. He chainsaws himself out of the middle of our shark, then pulls out Lonely Waitress. And everyone lives happily ever after.
Until the sequel. Which is apparently likely to happen.
See what I mean by the WTFery? There is SO MUCH OF IT IN THIS MOVIE. It astounded me for 90 minutes.
You need to see it. I am not even kidding.